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Babylon Bee Highlights

Our hats off to Babylon Bee. Their cutting edge humor is dead pan on. Here are some excerpts.

Six-Year-Old Saying,
'Why Don't We Just Give Everything Away For Free?'
Surges To
Top Of Democratic Polls

link here
Why not give everything free?

U.S.—A new candidate has come out of nowhere to surge in the polls in the Democratic primary, and she’s only six years old. Susie Peters of Minneapolis, Minnesota, was on a local news segment where children gave their opinions on world problems, and she asked, “Why can’t we just give everyone everything they want for free?” The message quickly went viral and really resonated with Democratic voters, propelling Susie from unknown to third in most polls, ahead of Bernie Sanders and just behind Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden.

"She really has a plan for everything,” said Melinda Carlson, one of Susie’s enthusiastic supporters. “While Elizabeth Warren only has a plan for getting people free health care and free college, Susie has a plan to get everyone free everything. She’s truly a visionary.”

Her new candidacy has upset some of the other candidates, with Bernie Sanders accusing Susie of stealing all his ideas. Others say the math in her plans doesn’t add up, to which Susie says she doesn’t like math and instead likes “Twilight Sparkle.” And President Trump has taken notice, vowing to trounce Susie in the general since Trump himself can “read and write at the level of an eight-year-old.” There are also concerns Susie may be gaffe-prone like Joe Biden, as one day at school Susie referred to her teacher as "Mommy" by mistake, prompting a round of laughter from her classmates.

Still, Susie has unveiled her new popular campaign slogan, “But I want it!” and has already qualified for the next Democratic presidential debate, though she may not be able to attend since it will be on past her bedtime.

GOP: 'Man, We Were Gonna Defund Planned Parenthood But Now We Lost The House, Oh Well, Maybe Next Time'
Republicans to defund PP
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning they lost control of the House of Representatives, Republican congressional leaders issued a statement confirming they were just about to defund Planned Parenthood as promised but now will have to wait until the next time they control literally everything in Washington.

"Man, we were totally about to defund it too," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "So close. I guess now that we lost the House, we'll just have to keep using the issue to rile up our conservative voter base, promising to do it next time we control the entire federal government."
Frightening Rise
In Anti-Semitism
Blamed On The Jews

Jews are the fault of Anti-Semitism
U.S.—There has been an alarming rise in anti-Semitism, with anti-Semitic attacks and statements coming from both the right and the left. And many agree on what is the source of this rise in hate: the Jews.

“It must be some sort of Jewish plot,” said commentator Andrew Elliot, expressing a common sentiment. “People would naturally love the Jewish people, but the media is influencing them against that.” He then added in a whisper, “And we all know who controls the media.”

Others have pointed out a link between anti-Semitic organizations and Jewish people. “Look at any of the organizations out there stirring up anti-Semitism,” pointed out activist Anna Snyder, “and one thing you notice is that they have money. Trace the money, and where do you eventually end up? A bank. A bank. Do I need to go on?”

Others say that the Jews have been more subtle in the ways they stoke anti-Semitism. “The other day, I started out perfectly happy and respectful of all people,” said Jimmy Burke, unemployed internet enthusiast, “but later that day I tweeted something negative about the Jews. That was all because of the crummy weather that put me in a dark mood. Well, guess who is rumored to have a weather machine?”

Many are now taking action against anti-Semitism. The U.N. just passed a resolution condemning Israel -- its 20th this year -- which will hopefully see results.  TCS Adding: And we all know who controls the UN
Bill Clinton Calls
Mike Pence's
Strict Marital Practices
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Clinton says Pence Rule too Harsh
U.S.—In a candid new interview, former President Bill Clinton commented Friday on the recent revelation that Vice President Mike Pence refuses to dine alone with women who are not his wife, saying the strict guidelines are “ridiculous” and “excessive.”

“The only woman he’ll spend time alone with is his wife? Come on, that’s way over the top,” Clinton said. “I think we powerful men should be able to get away with a little one-on-one time with a cute coworker without making a move. What are we, savages?”

“Can’t you exercise a little self control, Mr. Vice President?” he challenged.

Voicing his disdain for the so-called “Billy Graham rule” employed by Pence, Clinton went on to say that he does adhere to the more realistic “Jimmy Swaggart rule,” wherein he makes it a point to never tell his wife when he is going to be alone with other women.

Ron Paul Appointed
To Federal Reserve Board

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Ron Paul appointed to Federal Reserve
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Federal Reserve nominee Stephen Moore announced he was withdrawing from consideration, Trump quickly announced a replacement: Ron Paul.

The former congressman is "the right man for the job," according to Trump. The president said he was looking for nominees when Paul called up and assured him he was a really good choice to serve on the Federal Reserve Board.

"I have lots of ideas for what we should do at the Fed, once my nomination is approved," Paul said, grinning mischievously. "I know exactly what rates I would have the central bank enact. I have lots of sensible policies when it comes to monetary policy on our fiat currency. These ideas are all gold.

Google Apologizes For Accidentally Displaying 'Don't Vote, You Ignorant Bigot' Doodle To Conservative Users
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Google Says Don't Vote
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—A representative for Google has apologized after the company inadvertently displayed a Google Doodle reading "Don't vote, you ignorant bigot" only to its conservative users.

While liberals saw a Doodle that said "Go Vote" throughout the day, millions of conservatives reported seeing a message telling them not to vote and calling them a bigot.

"This was a simple programming error, and we apologize," the rep said. "Everyone was supposed to get the 'Go Vote' message, and for some reason all the users we've identified as being right-leaning got the other, much harsher message. We don't know what happened, and we're looking into it."

"Trust us, it was 100% an honest mistake," he added.

At publishing time, Google had apologized for accidentally drone-striking several thousand conservatives who attempted to go vote at their local polling place.

RELIGIOUS EXTREMISM: Kavanaugh Caught Serving Food To Homeless
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Kavanaugh caught feeding homeless
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.”

The writer went on to compare the Catholic judge’s actions to “something out of The Handmaid’s Tale,” stating that if the United States doesn’t start vetting judges for extremist positions like being a member of one of the world’s largest religions, “we will soon be living in a theonomy.”

At publishing time, Politico had uncovered damning evidence that Kavanaugh likes baseball, Chevrolet, and apple pie.

Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. Constitution
Link here
Demcrats do not want undue influence of the Constitution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Still reeling from Trump’s previous Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch, Democrats plan to scrutinize any new nominee to ensure that he or she isn’t yet another crony of something called “The Constitution,” Senate Democrats announced Friday.

“Time and time again, we find progressive laws getting struck down,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said in a Senate address. “And it’s always — always — the ones the Constitution is against. These right-wing judges don’t think for themselves, they just do whatever the Constitution says. And it’s time for that to end.”

Senate Democrats have vowed to make sure that any new nominee isn’t going to be beholden to outside influences like the Constitution, the founding fathers, or the rule of law. “We need judges to be advocates of progressive laws,” Senator Elizabeth Warren added. “Not people who will bow to the whims of the Constitution, pitting its extremist values of freedom of speech and freedom of religion against our agenda.”

“We’re sick and tired of the Constitution sitting in the National Archives, manipulating everything we do,” stated Senator Cory Booker, trying to emote for the cameras but failing. Booker then called a ten-minute recess for him to refresh his supply of fake tears before he could continue.

Asked about their concerns, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he “doesn’t care” and plans to “completely ignore” the Democrats in the nomination process since “there’s nothing they can do” and he is “literally unstoppable.”

In Brazen Act Of Aggression, Iran Deploys Its Country Right Next To Our Aircraft Carrier
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Iran moves its country next to our aircraft carrier group

PERSIAN GULF—In what's being called a dangerous act of aggression, the country of Iran has deployed its country right next to the USS Abraham Lincoln Carrier Strike Group, which was just minding its own business in the Persian Gulf.

"It is clear that Iran wants war," said National Security Advisor John Bolton. "Our carrier strike group was just off on a pleasure cruise on the other side of the world, and Iran insisted on placing its country right next to it."

"We will not stand for this kind of saber-rattling," he said.

Bolton says the U.S. tried to use diplomacy. He stated that a diplomat was sent to Iran to ask nicely if they would consider moving their country away from our military forces and hundreds of bases around the world. Iran then claimed they couldn't find any space on the globe that was a safe distance from the U.S. military.

"So as you can see, we tried to be reasonable," said Bolton, shrugging. "This means war!"

Man Who Doesn't Believe Single Word Of Bible Quotes Bible To Prove Political Point
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Quoting Bible but does not believe Bible

PORTLAND, OR—While discussing political issues with a Christian friend at a coffee shop Monday morning, local liberal atheist man Lars Wellson quoted the Bible several times to prove his position correct, despite the fact that he doesn't believe the Bible to be true in the slightest.

The man who trashes the Bible all day every day on social media pulled a few choice Bible quotes completely out of context that seemed to support his positions. He clarified later that he doesn't believe a word of it, but he still felt the argumentation was effective nonetheless. 

"The Bible says we should welcome the immigrant and the stranger," Wellson said after quickly googling "Bible quotes about immigrants" on his smartphone. "I mean, I think it's all ancient, backward, bigoted trash, but there you go. Check and mate."

Wellson then paraphrased Jesus's statement on loving "the least of these," though he was sure to add the stipulation that he doesn't actually believe Jesus existed. "You Christians should agree with my political beliefs because of this quote out of the Bible---which is full of errors, by the way."

"So there you go," he concluded. "It's clear that my position is correct, based on the Bible that's 100% fabricated." He then leaned back in his chair, took a sip of his non-fat skim latte, and patiently waited for his Christian friend to renounce his faith.

Planned Parenthood Criminal Spree

NEW YORK, NY—Abortion giant Planned Parenthood was sentenced Thursday to 8 million life sentences, to be served consecutively, after being found guilty of as many first degree murders since its heinous criminal spree began some 45 years ago.

“We’ve never seen a crime syndicate this prolific,” the presiding judge after delivering the sentence. “At the time of Planned Parenthood’s apprehension, they were carrying out nearly a thousand murders per day.”

He went on to describe the corrupt organization’s dealings in government bribery, racketeering, and money laundering, among dozens of other crimes on top of its murder-for-hire scheme, further stating that Planned Parenthood is “very lucky” that the state of New York abolished the death penalty in 2007.
Ocasio-Cortez Proposes Tuition-Free School For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too
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Ocasio-Cortez wants free schools for young kids

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning that many kids have trouble affording good schools, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez unveiled her plans for a new, taxpayer-funded Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez School For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

The school will be tuition-free but you will have to pay a tax to get in.

Ocasio-Cortez says the school will allow less fortunate children to learn a lot of topics, such as doing economics good, doing reading good, and learning how to math good. It will, of course, have a gender studies program, but that will mostly just be like a boxing class where you punch white men.

Ocasio-Cortez was reportedly upset at the size of the school when she was shown a model of her idea. "What is this---a center for ants? A center for the little people in the cheap seats?" she said. "How are the kids supposed to learn how to become socialists when they can't even fit inside the building?" She quickly blamed the size of the school on patriarchy and white supremacy.

Her aides assured her that "it's only a model."

Opinion: When The Founders Wrote The First Amendment, They Never Imagined There Would One Day Be Things I'd Disagree With
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First Amendment means people get to say what I don't agree with?

Times change. It was a much simpler era when the Founding Fathers wrote the First Amendment. There was no way they could have foreseen how it would become twisted in the future, namely to allow people to say things that I am certain are wrong.

Free speech is a good thing—as long as it’s used to say things that are correct. Now, I’m a reasonable, tolerant person. That means when people say things that I disagree with, they are being unreasonable and intolerant. How does it benefit society to have such things said? It does not.

As someone who has carefully thought through every issue, social and political, it’s offensive to hear things I disagree with since I know how right I am, and there is no room for having another view. And that is what the First Amendment has been perverted into: a weapon to offend people—me, for the most part. Thus it’s time to get rid of that outdated amendment and finally crack down on hate speech, or at least speech I hate.

And that means we need a committee to tell people what views they aren’t allowed to express anymore. I should be on that committee. It would be a really bad idea to have anyone else on it. Actually, the more I think about it, that terrifies me.

Beto Cites Nazi Firing Squads
As Grounds For Private Gun Ban

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NAzi had guns, and that's why you can't have guns

KENT, OH—While speaking at Kent State University, Beto O'Rourke---who is allegedly running for president---cited Nazi firing squads as grounds for taking guns away from private citizens.

"These Nazis used guns to shoot their victims, so it's clear that we need to ban private citizens from owning guns," Beto said in a speech. "Only Nazi sympathizers see the need for private gun ownership."

O'Rourke pointed out that Nazis used guns, just like citizens who have guns for self-defense or hunting. In an impassioned speech, he hammered home all the similarities between guns American citizens use and guns Nazis used. "They both fire bullets. They both have one of those trigger pully things. And they both shout 'White Supremacy!' when fired."

Beto then held up a Venn diagram showing a circle of Nazis on one side and a circle of American gun owners on the other side. Both overlapped in an area marked "GUNS." The sign appeared to be drawn in crayons by Beto himself.

"While some may think it's evil people that cause violence, especially evil governments, these people are bigots," he concluded. "We must disarm the populace and give guns to the government to avoid being like the fascists."

It Is Perfectly OK For Public Servants
To Be Christians,
As Long As They
Do Not Believe Christian Things

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Be Christian just don't believe that stuff

With my gratitude to The Babylon Bee for allowing me their platform, I would like to clarify a few things about my recent interrogation of Russell Vought, President Trump’s pick for deputy director of the Office of Management and Budget, who appeared before the Senate Budget Committee for a confirmation hearing Wednesday.

Let me stress that I am not against Christianity; I am not anti-Christian in any respect. Christianity is the majority religion in America, and I have great respect for the faith and people who engage in it responsibly.

The problem with Mr. Vought is that he practices his Christian faith in an irresponsible manner by believing and espousing that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven, and those who reject the Savior “stand condemned.” This orthodox line of thinking is outrageous. I think we can all agree that it is perfectly OK for public servants to be Christians, as long as they do not believe Christian things.

It’s fine for folks in government to identify as Christians, but when it gets to a point where they’re actually believing basic Christian concepts like salvation being through Christ alone—that’s just totally unacceptable. There is no place in public office for a Christian who believes elementary doctrine that all Christians have believed for 2,000 years.

What kind of extremist Christian believes things that Jesus clearly and explicitly taught? A Christian freely believing the words of Christ? This is not what our country is supposed to be about.

To posit that Muslims deny Jesus and therefore do not know God—as Trump’s man did—my friends, that is blatant, egregious Islamophobia. If you don’t agree, just try turning the tables. You would never catch a Muslim saying exclusive things such as “Islam is the only way,” “those who reject Allah will be condemned,” or “Christians are infidels!”

The extreme views of Russell Vought cannot be tolerated. If you disagree with me or my worldview, then, in my opinion, you stand condemned.

Not Babylon Bee,
but an interesting note:

Democrats" reject the outcome of national elections..

"Democrats" reject your votes.

"Democrats" reject the outcome of SCOTUS nominations.

"Democrats" reject your rule of law.

"Democrats" reject any political voice which is not their own.

"Democrats" reject your freedom of religion.

"Democrats" reject your right to bear arms.

"Democrats" wish to dictate what you may or may not eat, what vehicles you may drive and even how cool you can keep your house in the summer.

"Democrats" Reject your very borders

"Democrats" speak of equality, but in truth, the worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal

You can read further at The Problem
You can read further at Guide to "Checks and Balances"
You can read further at The Solution
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Last Hope for America
Christian Libertarian: Harmonious Union
Church and State

The Christian Solution             First Release: March 15, 2008