The former congressman is "the right man for the job," according to Trump. The president said he was looking for nominees when Paul called up and assured him he was a really good choice to serve on the Federal Reserve Board.

"I have lots of ideas for what we should do at the Fed, once my nomination is approved," Paul said, grinning mischievously. "I know exactly what rates I would have the central bank enact. I have lots of sensible policies when it comes to monetary policy on our fiat currency. These ideas are all gold.

Kavanaugh performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say for yourself, BIGOT?”

“It is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you know—justice.”

The writer went on to compare the Catholic judge’s actions to “something out of The Handmaid’s Tale,” stating that if the United States doesn’t start vetting judges for extremist positions like being a member of one of the world’s largest religions, “we will soon be living in a theonomy.”

At publishing time, Politico had uncovered damning evidence that Kavanaugh likes baseball, Chevrolet, and apple pie.

“Time and time again, we find progressive laws getting struck down,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said in a Senate address. “And it’s always — always — the ones the Constitution is against. These right-wing judges don’t think for themselves, they just do whatever the Constitution says. And it’s time for that to end.”

Senate Democrats have vowed to make sure that any new nominee isn’t going to be beholden to outside influences like the Constitution, the founding fathers, or the rule of law. “We need judges to be advocates of progressive laws,” Senator Elizabeth Warren added. “Not people who will bow to the whims of the Constitution, pitting its extremist values of freedom of speech and freedom of religion against our agenda.”

“We’re sick and tired of the Constitution sitting in the National Archives, manipulating everything we do,” stated Senator Cory Booker, trying to emote for the cameras but failing. Booker then called a ten-minute recess for him to refresh his supply of fake tears before he could continue.

Asked about their concerns, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he “doesn’t care” and plans to “completely ignore” the Democrats in the nomination process since “there’s nothing they can do” and he is “literally unstoppable.”

"It is clear that Iran wants war," said National Security Advisor John Bolton. "Our carrier strike group was just off on a pleasure cruise on the other side of the world, and Iran insisted on placing its country right next to it."

"We will not stand for this kind of saber-rattling," he said.

Bolton says the U.S. tried to use diplomacy. He stated that a diplomat was sent to Iran to ask nicely if they would consider moving their country away from our military forces and hundreds of bases around the world. Iran then claimed they couldn't find any space on the globe that was a safe distance from the U.S. military.

"So as you can see, we tried to be reasonable," said Bolton, shrugging. "This means war!"

The man who trashes the Bible all day every day on social media pulled a few choice Bible quotes completely out of context that seemed to support his positions. He clarified later that he doesn't believe a word of it, but he still felt the argumentation was effective nonetheless. 

"The Bible says we should welcome the immigrant and the stranger," Wellson said after quickly googling "Bible quotes about immigrants" on his smartphone. "I mean, I think it's all ancient, backward, bigoted trash, but there you go. Check and mate."

Wellson then paraphrased Jesus's statement on loving "the least of these," though he was sure to add the stipulation that he doesn't actually believe Jesus existed. "You Christians should agree with my political beliefs because of this quote out of the Bible---which is full of errors, by the way."

"So there you go," he concluded. "It's clear that my position is correct, based on the Bible that's 100% fabricated." He then leaned back in his chair, took a sip of his non-fat skim latte, and patiently waited for his Christian friend to renounce his faith.

The school will be tuition-free but you will have to pay a tax to get in.

Ocasio-Cortez says the school will allow less fortunate children to learn a lot of topics, such as doing economics good, doing reading good, and learning how to math good. It will, of course, have a gender studies program, but that will mostly just be like a boxing class where you punch white men.

Ocasio-Cortez was reportedly upset at the size of the school when she was shown a model of her idea. "What is this---a center for ants? A center for the little people in the cheap seats?" she said. "How are the kids supposed to learn how to become socialists when they can't even fit inside the building?" She quickly blamed the size of the school on patriarchy and white supremacy.

Her aides assured her that "it's only a model."

Free speech is a good thing—as long as it’s used to say things that are correct. Now, I’m a reasonable, tolerant person. That means when people say things that I disagree with, they are being unreasonable and intolerant. How does it benefit society to have such things said? It does not.

As someone who has carefully thought through every issue, social and political, it’s offensive to hear things I disagree with since I know how right I am, and there is no room for having another view. And that is what the First Amendment has been perverted into: a weapon to offend people—me, for the most part. Thus it’s time to get rid of that outdated amendment and finally crack down on hate speech, or at least speech I hate.

And that means we need a committee to tell people what views they aren’t allowed to express anymore. I should be on that committee. It would be a really bad idea to have anyone else on it. Actually, the more I think about it, that terrifies me.

"These Nazis used guns to shoot their victims, so it's clear that we need to ban private citizens from owning guns," Beto said in a speech. "Only Nazi sympathizers see the need for private gun ownership."

O'Rourke pointed out that Nazis used guns, just like citizens who have guns for self-defense or hunting. In an impassioned speech, he hammered home all the similarities between guns American citizens use and guns Nazis used. "They both fire bullets. They both have one of those trigger pully things. And they both shout 'White Supremacy!' when fired."

Beto then held up a Venn diagram showing a circle of Nazis on one side and a circle of American gun owners on the other side. Both overlapped in an area marked "GUNS." The sign appeared to be drawn in crayons by Beto himself.

"While some may think it's evil people that cause violence, especially evil governments, these people are bigots," he concluded. "We must disarm the populace and give guns to the government to avoid being like the fascists."

Let me stress that I am not against Christianity; I am not anti-Christian in any respect. Christianity is the majority religion in America, and I have great respect for the faith and people who engage in it responsibly.

The problem with Mr. Vought is that he practices his Christian faith in an irresponsible manner by believing and espousing that Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven, and those who reject the Savior “stand condemned.” This orthodox line of thinking is outrageous. I think we can all agree that it is perfectly OK for public servants to be Christians, as long as they do not believe Christian things.

It’s fine for folks in government to identify as Christians, but when it gets to a point where they’re actually believing basic Christian concepts like salvation being through Christ alone—that’s just totally unacceptable. There is no place in public office for a Christian who believes elementary doctrine that all Christians have believed for 2,000 years.

What kind of extremist Christian believes things that Jesus clearly and explicitly taught? A Christian freely believing the words of Christ? This is not what our country is supposed to be about.

To posit that Muslims deny Jesus and therefore do not know God—as Trump’s man did—my friends, that is blatant, egregious Islamophobia. If you don’t agree, just try turning the tables. You would never catch a Muslim saying exclusive things such as “Islam is the only way,” “those who reject Allah will be condemned,” or “Christians are infidels!”

The extreme views of Russell Vought cannot be tolerated. If you disagree with me or my worldview, then, in my opinion, you stand condemned.