|November 2019 AD
Babylon Bee Highlights
Our hats off to Babylon Bee. Their cutting edge humor is dead pan on. Here are some excerpts.
'Why Don't We Just Give Everything Away For Free?'
Top Of Democratic Polls
new candidate has come out of nowhere to surge in the polls in the
Democratic primary, and she’s only six years old. Susie Peters of
Minneapolis, Minnesota, was on a local news segment where children gave
their opinions on world problems, and she asked, “Why can’t we just
give everyone everything they want for free?” The message quickly went
viral and really resonated with Democratic voters, propelling Susie
from unknown to third in most polls, ahead of Bernie Sanders and just
behind Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden.
really has a plan for everything,” said Melinda Carlson, one of Susie’s
enthusiastic supporters. “While Elizabeth Warren only has a plan for
getting people free health care and free college, Susie has a plan to
get everyone free everything. She’s truly a visionary.”
new candidacy has upset some of the other candidates, with Bernie
Sanders accusing Susie of stealing all his ideas. Others say the math
in her plans doesn’t add up, to which Susie says she doesn’t like math
and instead likes “Twilight Sparkle.” And President Trump has taken
notice, vowing to trounce Susie in the general since Trump himself can
“read and write at the level of an eight-year-old.” There are also
concerns Susie may be gaffe-prone like Joe Biden, as one day at school
Susie referred to her teacher as "Mommy" by mistake, prompting a round
of laughter from her classmates.
Susie has unveiled her new popular campaign slogan, “But I want it!”
and has already qualified for the next Democratic presidential debate,
though she may not be able to attend since it will be on past her
GOP: 'Man, We Were Gonna Defund Planned Parenthood But Now We Lost The House, Oh Well, Maybe Next Time'
D.C.—After learning they lost control of the House of
Representatives, Republican congressional leaders issued a statement
confirming they were just about to defund Planned Parenthood as
promised but now will have to wait until the next time they control
literally everything in Washington.
we were totally about to defund it too," said Senator Mitch McConnell.
"So close. I guess now that we lost the House, we'll just have to keep
using the issue to rile up our conservative voter base, promising to do
it next time we control the entire federal government."
Blamed On The Jews
has been an alarming rise in anti-Semitism, with anti-Semitic attacks
and statements coming from both the right and the left. And many agree
on what is the source of this rise in hate: the Jews.
must be some sort of Jewish plot,” said commentator Andrew Elliot,
expressing a common sentiment. “People would naturally love the Jewish
people, but the media is influencing them against that.” He then added
in a whisper, “And we all know who controls the media.”
have pointed out a link between anti-Semitic organizations and Jewish
people. “Look at any of the organizations out there stirring up
anti-Semitism,” pointed out activist Anna Snyder, “and one thing you
notice is that they have money. Trace the money, and where do you eventually end up? A bank. A bank. Do I need to go on?”
say that the Jews have been more subtle in the ways they stoke
anti-Semitism. “The other day, I started out perfectly happy and
respectful of all people,” said Jimmy Burke, unemployed internet
enthusiast, “but later that day I tweeted something negative about the
Jews. That was all because of the crummy weather that put me in a dark
mood. Well, guess who is rumored to have a weather machine?”
are now taking action against anti-Semitism. The U.N. just passed a
resolution condemning Israel -- its 20th this year -- which will
hopefully see results. TCS Adding: And we all know who controls the UN
|Bill Clinton Calls
Strict Marital Practices
a candid new interview, former President Bill Clinton commented Friday
on the recent revelation that Vice President Mike Pence refuses to
dine alone with women who are not his wife, saying the strict
guidelines are “ridiculous” and “excessive.”
only woman he’ll spend time alone with is his wife? Come on, that’s way
over the top,” Clinton said. “I think we powerful men should be able to
get away with a little one-on-one time with a cute coworker without
making a move. What are we, savages?”
“Can’t you exercise a little self control, Mr. Vice President?” he challenged.
his disdain for the so-called “Billy Graham rule” employed by Pence,
Clinton went on to say that he does adhere to the more realistic “Jimmy
Swaggart rule,” wherein he makes it a point to never tell his wife when
he is going to be alone with other women.
Ron Paul Appointed
To Federal Reserve Board
D.C.—After Federal Reserve nominee Stephen Moore announced he was
withdrawing from consideration, Trump quickly announced a replacement:
former congressman is "the right man for the job," according to Trump.
The president said he was looking for nominees when Paul called up and
assured him he was a really good choice to serve on the Federal Reserve
have lots of ideas for what we should do at the Fed, once my nomination
is approved," Paul said, grinning mischievously. "I know exactly what
rates I would have the central bank enact. I have lots of sensible
policies when it comes to monetary policy on our fiat currency. These
ideas are all gold.
Google Apologizes For Accidentally Displaying 'Don't Vote, You Ignorant Bigot' Doodle To Conservative Users
VIEW, CA—A representative for Google has apologized after the company
inadvertently displayed a Google Doodle reading "Don't vote, you
ignorant bigot" only to its conservative users.
liberals saw a Doodle that said "Go Vote" throughout the day, millions
of conservatives reported seeing a message telling them not to vote and
calling them a bigot.
was a simple programming error, and we apologize," the rep said.
"Everyone was supposed to get the 'Go Vote' message, and for some
reason all the users we've identified as being right-leaning got the
other, much harsher message. We don't know what happened, and we're
looking into it."
"Trust us, it was 100% an honest mistake," he added.
publishing time, Google had apologized for accidentally drone-striking
several thousand conservatives who attempted to go vote at their local
|RELIGIOUS EXTREMISM: Kavanaugh Caught Serving Food To Homeless
D.C.—In an alarming show of religious extremism and complete disregard
for the separation of church and state, Supreme Court nominee Brett
Kavanaugh was spotted by news reporters serving food to the homeless.
performed the frightening display of religious devotion alongside an
organized group of radicalized Catholics, whose extremist mission
appears to be helping the needy. Local news crews leaped out of the
bushes and caught him in the act, asking him, “What do you have to say
for yourself, BIGOT?”
is disturbing that a SCOTUS nominee can so flagrantly practice his
faith in the public sphere without fear of reprisal,” read an opinion
piece published on Politico. “We want justices who don’t have an
inherent bias for lifting up the poor and enacting mercy and, well, you
The writer went on to compare the Catholic judge’s actions to “something out of The Handmaid’s Tale,”
stating that if the United States doesn’t start vetting judges for
extremist positions like being a member of one of the world’s largest
religions, “we will soon be living in a theonomy.”
At publishing time, Politico had uncovered damning evidence that Kavanaugh likes baseball, Chevrolet, and apple pie.
|Senate Democrats Demand Supreme Court Nominee Not Be Unduly Influenced By U.S. Constitution
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Still reeling from Trump’s previous Supreme Court
nominee, Neil Gorsuch, Democrats plan to scrutinize any new nominee to
ensure that he or she isn’t yet another crony of something called “The
Constitution,” Senate Democrats announced Friday.
and time again, we find progressive laws getting struck down,” Senate
Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said in a Senate address. “And it’s
always — always — the ones the Constitution is against. These
right-wing judges don’t think for themselves, they just do whatever the
Constitution says. And it’s time for that to end.”
Democrats have vowed to make sure that any new nominee isn’t going to
be beholden to outside influences like the Constitution, the founding
fathers, or the rule of law. “We need judges to be advocates of
progressive laws,” Senator Elizabeth Warren added. “Not people who will
bow to the whims of the Constitution, pitting its extremist values of
freedom of speech and freedom of religion against our agenda.”
sick and tired of the Constitution sitting in the National Archives,
manipulating everything we do,” stated Senator Cory Booker, trying to
emote for the cameras but failing. Booker then called a ten-minute
recess for him to refresh his supply of fake tears before he could
about their concerns, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he
“doesn’t care” and plans to “completely ignore” the Democrats in the
nomination process since “there’s nothing they can do” and he is
|In Brazen Act Of Aggression, Iran Deploys Its Country Right Next To Our Aircraft Carrier
GULF—In what's being called a dangerous act of aggression, the country
of Iran has deployed its country right next to the USS Abraham Lincoln
Carrier Strike Group, which was just minding its own business in the
is clear that Iran wants war," said National Security Advisor John
Bolton. "Our carrier strike group was just off on a pleasure cruise on
the other side of the world, and Iran insisted on placing its country
right next to it."
"We will not stand for this kind of saber-rattling," he said.
says the U.S. tried to use diplomacy. He stated that a diplomat was
sent to Iran to ask nicely if they would consider moving their country
away from our military forces and hundreds of bases around the world.
Iran then claimed they couldn't find any space on the globe that was a
safe distance from the U.S. military.
"So as you can see, we tried to be reasonable," said Bolton, shrugging. "This means war!"
|Man Who Doesn't Believe Single Word Of Bible Quotes Bible To Prove Political Point
PORTLAND, OR—While discussing political issues with a Christian friend
at a coffee shop Monday morning, local liberal atheist man Lars
Wellson quoted the Bible several times to prove his position
correct, despite the fact that he doesn't believe the Bible to be true
in the slightest.
man who trashes the Bible all day every day on social media pulled a
few choice Bible quotes completely out of context that seemed to
support his positions. He clarified later that he doesn't believe a
word of it, but he still felt the argumentation was effective
Bible says we should welcome the immigrant and the stranger," Wellson
said after quickly googling "Bible quotes about immigrants" on his
smartphone. "I mean, I think it's all ancient, backward, bigoted trash,
but there you go. Check and mate."
paraphrased Jesus's statement on loving "the least of these," though he
was sure to add the stipulation that he doesn't actually believe Jesus
existed. "You Christians should agree with my political beliefs
because of this quote out of the Bible---which is full of errors, by
there you go," he concluded. "It's clear that my position is correct,
based on the Bible that's 100% fabricated." He then leaned back in his
chair, took a sip of his non-fat skim latte, and patiently waited for
his Christian friend to renounce his faith.
NEW YORK, NY—Abortion giant Planned Parenthood was sentenced Thursday
to 8 million life sentences, to be served consecutively, after being
found guilty of as many first degree murders since its heinous criminal
spree began some 45 years ago.
never seen a crime syndicate this prolific,” the presiding judge after
delivering the sentence. “At the time of Planned Parenthood’s
apprehension, they were carrying out nearly a thousand murders per day.”
went on to describe the corrupt organization’s dealings in government
bribery, racketeering, and money laundering, among dozens of other
crimes on top of its murder-for-hire scheme, further stating that
Planned Parenthood is “very lucky” that the state of New York abolished
the death penalty in 2007.
|Ocasio-Cortez Proposes Tuition-Free School For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning that many kids have trouble affording
good schools, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez unveiled her
plans for a new, taxpayer-funded Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez School
For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good
The school will be tuition-free but you will have to pay a tax to get in.
says the school will allow less fortunate children to learn a lot of
topics, such as doing economics good, doing reading good, and learning
how to math good. It will, of course, have a gender studies program,
but that will mostly just be like a boxing class where you punch white
was reportedly upset at the size of the school when she was shown a
model of her idea. "What is this---a center for ants? A center for the
little people in the cheap seats?" she said. "How are the kids supposed
to learn how to become socialists when they can't even fit inside
the building?" She quickly blamed the size of the school on patriarchy
and white supremacy.
Her aides assured her that "it's only a model."
|Opinion: When The Founders Wrote The First Amendment, They Never Imagined There Would One Day Be Things I'd Disagree With
change. It was a much simpler era when the Founding Fathers wrote the
First Amendment. There was no way they could have foreseen how it would
become twisted in the future, namely to allow people to say things that
I am certain are wrong.
speech is a good thing—as long as it’s used to say things that are
correct. Now, I’m a reasonable, tolerant person. That means when people
say things that I disagree with, they are being unreasonable and
intolerant. How does it benefit society to have such things said? It
someone who has carefully thought through every issue, social and
political, it’s offensive to hear things I disagree with since I know
how right I am, and there is no room for having another view. And that
is what the First Amendment has been perverted into: a weapon to offend
people—me, for the most part. Thus it’s time to get rid of that
outdated amendment and finally crack down on hate speech, or at least
speech I hate.
that means we need a committee to tell people what views they aren’t
allowed to express anymore. I should be on that committee. It would be
a really bad idea to have anyone else on it. Actually, the more I think
about it, that terrifies me.
|Beto Cites Nazi Firing Squads
As Grounds For Private Gun Ban
OH—While speaking at Kent State University, Beto O'Rourke---who is
allegedly running for president---cited Nazi firing squads as grounds
for taking guns away from private citizens.
"These Nazis used guns to
shoot their victims, so it's clear that we need to ban private citizens
from owning guns," Beto said in a speech. "Only Nazi sympathizers see
the need for private gun ownership."
pointed out that Nazis used guns, just like citizens who have guns for
self-defense or hunting. In an impassioned speech, he hammered home all
the similarities between guns American citizens use and guns Nazis
used. "They both fire bullets. They both have one of those trigger
pully things. And they both shout 'White Supremacy!' when fired."
then held up a Venn diagram showing a circle of Nazis on one side and a
circle of American gun owners on the other side. Both overlapped in an
area marked "GUNS." The sign appeared to be drawn in crayons by Beto
some may think it's evil people that cause violence, especially evil
governments, these people are bigots," he concluded. "We must disarm
the populace and give guns to the government to avoid being like the
|It Is Perfectly OK For Public Servants
To Be Christians,
As Long As They
Do Not Believe Christian Things
With my gratitude to The Babylon Bee
for allowing me their platform, I would like to clarify a few things
about my recent interrogation of Russell Vought, President Trump’s
pick for deputy director of the Office of Management and Budget, who
appeared before the Senate Budget Committee for a confirmation hearing
me stress that I am not against Christianity; I am not
anti-Christian in any respect. Christianity is the majority religion in
America, and I have great respect for the faith and people who engage
in it responsibly.
problem with Mr. Vought is that he practices his Christian faith
in an irresponsible manner by believing and espousing that Jesus Christ
is the only way to heaven, and those who reject the Savior “stand
condemned.” This orthodox line of thinking is outrageous. I think
we can all agree that it is perfectly OK for public servants to be Christians, as long as they do not believe Christian things.
fine for folks in government to identify as Christians, but when it
gets to a point where they’re actually believing basic Christian
concepts like salvation being through Christ alone—that’s just totally
unacceptable. There is no place in public office for a Christian who
believes elementary doctrine that all Christians have believed for
kind of extremist Christian believes things that Jesus clearly and
explicitly taught? A Christian freely believing the words of Christ?
This is not what our country is supposed to be about.
posit that Muslims deny Jesus and therefore do not know God—as Trump’s
man did—my friends, that is blatant, egregious Islamophobia. If you
don’t agree, just try turning the tables. You would never
catch a Muslim saying exclusive things such as “Islam is the only way,”
“those who reject Allah will be condemned,” or “Christians are
extreme views of Russell Vought cannot be tolerated. If you disagree
with me or my worldview, then, in my opinion, you stand condemned.
Not Babylon Bee,
but an interesting note:
Democrats" reject the outcome of national elections..
"Democrats" reject your votes.
"Democrats" reject the outcome of SCOTUS nominations.
"Democrats" reject your rule of law.
"Democrats" reject any political voice which is not their own.
"Democrats" reject your freedom of religion.
"Democrats" reject your right to bear arms.
wish to dictate what you may or may not eat, what vehicles you may
drive and even how cool you can keep your house in the summer.
"Democrats" Reject your very borders
"Democrats" speak of equality, but in truth, the worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal
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Last Hope for America
Christian Libertarian: Harmonious Union
Church and State